Amber Wakes Dublin – A story with references to James Joyce
Amber Hiccums had had a great fall and winter in Paris and New York, and now spring was here in Ireland and she jumped out of the buggy to reconnoitre with her dear friends Harmie and Armie, Dublin’s most beloved couple. Harmonious Claribel Euphony was, by everyone’s reckoning, the most important gentleman in Dublin. Some took it equally far and wide, and her wife, Armonium Laribel Phonieux, the most sinuous, continuous, round and plural of women. There was trouble in Dublin. Before Amber could unpack or even lower her collar that she always got up, Armie grabbed her hand. “Let’s take a walk by the river, darling, and I’ll tell you.” We’ve had a serious robbery around here. A gang of four, perhaps more, have stolen the priceless viscount’s scepter and other treasures from the museum. We fear that thieves will get rid of the most precious stone, the famous Morken Diamond, as it would be recognized anywhere and therefore probably not cut into smaller gems. It would take a better knife blade than they have to do it in any case.
–Oh rocks! Here are some blueprints, let’s skip some stones. You know, it seems likely that there will be talk of unusual occurrences. Maybe we can listen to some gossip if we walk in the park.
And so they went up this way and that way, stopping to sit here and there on benches occupied by chatterboxes, some well dressed and others ragged. Several suspicious men and women passed by, glancing quickly at the stranger, then lowering their heads.
–Amber Hiccums, everyone thinks you’re a spy. Now that I think about it, they’re right. Don’t get too close to those bramble bushes, you mustn’t peel your coat. We’re not hearing much here, it’s not worth delaying any longer, come on.
Armonium Laribel Phonieux pushed Amber onto a streetcar and they headed for the Flowertown Bazaar.
“This is the funniest bazaar I’ve ever been to, Armie, it has everything!” I have to get something for Raoul while I’m here.
–Watch out for the clay and you’re about to step on that potted ash tree.
–Sorry! Hey, check out that candlemaker’s booth over there. There is a small cloud of wick smoke hanging above him.
–That’s where we’re going Ambo, here, let me introduce our most nosy operative, Icarious Uplump Stately.
“Aieeayoh, you scared me with your damn wild dog.” What happened to him?
–Wo, you sound like one of those sirens during the war. Old Bunk stuck his nose in the wrong bar and had a box of dog biscuits thrown at him. Pleased to meet you. Did Armie tell you the plan?
–Not that you realize, I’m a…
–No, no, we can’t talk here. I’ve already sold some candles, so I’ll close the shop for now and we’ll meet you two at noon at the clock. Bring Harmie and I’ll get the rest together.
Noon found them all crouched in a circle drawing diagrams in the sand and receiving assignments. Amber and Armie were sent to the Kidneyzod village because great expense had been seen there.
At 23 Enkeedoo St., next to the Gilgamishemishe Fountain, they found a gigantic curio sale. A mother and her children, and indeed all her neighbors, were buying assorted sweets, rose bead necklaces, little cheap poetry books, CDs of The Ballad of Garry Owen. Oh the noise, the noise was enough to wake the dead.
oops! a kid almost knocked me over. Well, bite my bunions!
Amber recognized the warm human fatness of a man showing off his money with great things to do. It was Harmonious Claribel Euphony, her friend who had left the meeting to go to Dalkey where she was thought to have seen some of the stolen loot.
“So, Harmie, do you belong here at our research site and why are you just throwing your money away?”
“Shh… Cash will empty them.” Go. Go, go, I was hoping not to find you.
–Okay, okay, I’m history, don’t blame me. Ppecmshdepoaufw! Don’t forget to pull the chain. She acts like she’s trying to get over a nightmare.
Amber caught up with Armonium and the two headed to the brownstone bookcase to show what they hadn’t discovered to Icarious and his fellow counselor, Mr. Nolanetti.
Before they could reach the door, a one-armed, wild-eyed fisherman pushed them aside and led them down a narrow path between two buildings. He growled menacingly.
“You better come with me if you want to save a life, you know.” Thus.
Behind the bookstore there was a square ditch to let the river flow in case the tide rose. Above that was a bridge to a courtyard with what appeared to be a storage shed. The fisherman pushed aside some moving rocks, opened the rickety door, and waved his remaining hand for them to enter. Amber tugged at her neck. She could barely see a tunnel, damp and close. They tiptoed for about a block and came to a cave-like room with a fire burning and several men sitting around it with their smoke pipes.
–Here they are, tell them the story.
–Hee Haw, you must be Amber, Harmonium I know. Sit down, ladies, the tea water is boiling. Here comes each a cup, and now the story. Not two hours ago, one of our agents, hiding behind a lamppost in the park, spotted a group of two young women and three soldiers whispering paranoid. He casually strolled by and asked if anyone had a match by any chance. Well, you should have listened to all the fancy excuses they came up with about why, where and how nobody asked them what to do, right? So upset were they that they took one hostage, a wandering little chewer who was eating neither a candy bar nor a popsicle, but just a bit of potato, which was harmless. As it happens, the girl is the very daughter of Martha Pandybat, the very secretary and keeper of the keys to our tiny museum. Then we got a letter saying we could get Martha’s girl back if we sent a courier with a sack full of money to 1132 Seashell St. right at the foot of the castle right at 7 p.m.
He clearly explained everything and showed them the note. Amber was not known to the rascals, so she was cast as the tramp, with the idea that she would not pose a threat to them. Whoever she thought was missing more than one arm, but that was her decision and she walked away from it, with the invincible Armie following at a distance.
“How come Eagle-eye Armie is so far behind and how did I get into this mess, anyway?”
Seven in the morning was night. Amber arrived at the appointment with the bag in her hand and her collar turned up. This scheme was not well thought out. What was she supposed to do now? A tall, dark figure emerged from the shadows as zither music hummed through the trees: dum da dum, da dummm, da dummmm. The person rushed forward and grabbed Amber’s bag and ran like the wind. Armie chased after him and knocked him down just as she was about to slide into the train station. Amber and another member of the group who had been lurking near her joined Armie in restraining the scoundrel. A third man pulled up in the back. Fifteen minutes of intense questioning failed to reveal the whereabouts of Martha Pandybat’s son and the loot.
Amber went in the opposite direction, while the others wondered how to rescue Martha Pandybat’s daughter and the treasures. She knew what she was doing. About an hour later, Amber came back and woke up her friends and the rest of Dublin with a thunderous scream in the street.
–What was that terrible noise here on a Thursday?
“I just needed to get your attention and I thought tap-tap-tapping wouldn’t do it.” I have come back to tell you that the whole thing has been a hoax, the robbery, the kidnapping and the ransom demands. Martha Pandybat herself is the ringleader of this group of thugs.
–Impossible! Martha could never be a criminal.
–She is not. None of these citizens is a true criminal. Everything was organized by the museum and the insurance company. The plan was to make the public believe that the scepter and other items were gone and that the replicas were in their places of display. That way, real thieves would have no more interest in stealing them. This case is closed.
“But Amber Hiccums, everyone thought… no one could have… how…?”
“I saw it in his eyes while we were questioning him, so I went back and went into the museum room and looked through the filing cabinets. I wrote a letter that explains everything. They were only paying the ransom to themselves and the boy was never in any danger. The police might say a word or two about the ruse, but our job is done.
Amber smoothed her ever-up collar,
“Armie, Harmie, it’s been such a joy to celebrate the resolution of this little mystery together and now summer is having the hiccups and I’m going to see Raoul, so beastly bye.” I will see you in my dreamy dreams. I hate long goodbyes, yes, yes, yes. Yes bye.