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How to Handle a Second Marriage and Stepchildren

Marriages can be challenging, and they can be even more challenging when children and a former spouse from a previous marriage are involved. Romantics enter relationships through rose-colored glasses, hoping that new beginnings will lead to happy endings and a fantastic in between. Sometimes people don’t anticipate the lack of bonding between stepchildren and their stepparents. When they do, they imagine it’s just a passing cloud that they’ll quickly get over, but sometimes it doesn’t happen that quickly. All is not lost; here are some tips on how to handle second marriages and stepchildren.

  1. Be flexible with your parenting style. If you find that your partner’s approach to parenting is a little different than what you’re used to, you could compromise a bit to fit their style. This is especially applicable if your method does not harm the general behavior of the children. You should also give your children and stepchildren plenty of time to adjust to the changes they will experience as the stepparents come on board.
  2. Prioritize your marriage. Just because your first marriage didn’t work out doesn’t mean your second marriage will also fail. Put the guilt behind you and work to give your new spouse the best of yourself. And just because there are stepchildren involved, it doesn’t mean that marriage should take second place since you put all your efforts into trying to impress the kids.
  3. Set limits, early and often. If you don’t make it clear to your new spouse and stepchildren what you expect of them, they will never give it to you. First things first, RESPECT applies to your spouse, biological children, in-laws, and stepchildren. Sometimes you will feel like a stranger in your own home, but respectfully make your expectations known; what you can tolerate and what you cannot.
  4. Don’t take it personally when your stepchildren overreact and behave irritably in the early days of the union. Sometimes they are dealing with mixed emotions and are trying to cope with the blended family. When kids compare you to their birth parents, try not to let that get on your nerves. Just make an effort to keep stress out of your marriage.
  5. Don’t be a doormat. As he tries to keep up with the sensitivity and changing emotions of his stepchildren, feel free to talk and talk about discipline. If you don’t say anything every time they act strangely, resentment will build and you may soon find yourself unable to fit in with the family. Strive to be on the same page as your spouse when it comes to discipline.
  6. Date nights are fine. It’s up to you and your spouse to show children that second marriages can be a match made in heaven. Date nights are part of a thriving marriage and don’t let the guilt of having to leave them behind with a babysitter hold you back.
  7. Don’t control your partner. Allow them to spend time with their children without you being in the picture. This will help children see that you don’t want to take away their birth parents and that you don’t have any insecurities. Spending time together can include trips to the store, seeing a movie together, or bedtime talks. Children can feel a lot about the way it allows them to relate to their parents.
  8. Never make your spouse choose sides. When you and your spouse disagree about something about your stepchildren, don’t make them feel like they have to choose between you and your children. Avoid, at all costs, arguing with your spouse in front of the children about a decision that needs to be made regarding them. Putting your spouse in a situation where she feels that she is in the middle of you and your children is a step towards the failure of the marriage.
  9. Be fully prepared and know what you are agreeing to before you say “I do.” Establishing a blended family can take more time and energy. Seek advice from people in blended families and learn from them. Every marriage is unique, but some things are common to second marriages where stepchildren and stepparents are involved. Do not be discouraged by the horror stories you will hear because they can also happen in a first marriage. If you know what you will get out of the union and are ready to weather the storm, go ahead and make your second marriage a rewarding experience.
  10. Seek professional advice if the difficult times are more than you can bear. Sometimes the problems that come with a second marriage may not go away as quickly as you’d hope. They can even intensify during holidays and family occasions like graduations and birthdays. Sometimes it can seem like you’re in a rut and feel like you’re not good enough as a step-parent. If you still feel like the marriage can work with some help, don’t hesitate to involve the support of marriage counselors. They will work with you and try to help you find the balance.

Second marriages can work, probably better, than a first marriage. If you apply these ten tips, you will increase your chances of having a happy, blended family that no one would think is a second family. Be careful about the advice you take from various books, blogs, and people, because not everyone will be genuine about their need to see you happy in marriage. Most importantly, make your partner your best friend, and you’ll find it much easier to bond and create lasting friendships with your stepchildren.

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