interview with the president
Interviewer: Please answer first, Mr. President, the question that most concerns the entire United States: “Were you born in the United States to parents who were citizens at birth, as required by the Constitution of the United States?”
The President: Well, that’s certainly a good question. However, the answer depends on your definition of “born in the United States.” You see, and I want to make this perfectly clear, I believe in the Walt Disney philosophy of “…a wish is a dream your heart makes.” When I was a young man in Kenya, I wanted to be in the United States, so in a sense, my heart has always been here, and ipso facto, it seems like the rest of me was here, too. Also, I imagine my parents made the same wish, therefore we are all natural citizens of the United States.
Interviewer: I see. Thank you for that answer, Mr. President.
The President: Oh, and to make sure there are no misunderstandings, I have provided my birth certificate and Social Security number to the “mainstream media,” which they immediately accepted and verified.
Interviewer: But, Mr. President, aren’t there some people who question these documents as forgeries?
The President: Well, again, it depends on your definition of “counterfeit.” Again, applying Walt Disney’s philosophy, we can easily wish that troubling fact to go away.
Interviewer: Very good, Mr. President. Now, can we focus on his background as an All-American kid growing up in the United States? What is his educational background?
The President: I am happy to answer this question, because my academic background, like the rest of my life to date, is absolutely excellent. And by the way, you don’t use the term “boy” when referring to African-Americans because it goes back to the days of Jim Crow and Uncle Tom that I discussed in my wonderful ghostwritten book, “Fantasies of My Father.” Anyway, I digress. Yes, I was very lucky and graduated from Harvard and Columbia universities with the highest honors and accolades possible for an African American.
Interviewer: What were some of your accomplishments at these prestigious institutions?
The President: I was president for every class year I attended both universities, which is another requirement to earn the position I hold today. In addition, I edited Law Journals, received letters on basketball, soccer, and debate, and accompanied the Homecoming Queen for four years in a row. In fact, I married her after we graduated!
Interviewer: Why is not a single person from any of those institutions of higher learning admitting to meeting you in classes, organizations, or events, and there are no records or documents available to show that you attended classes, edited the law journals, or even had your photo? class was taken for yearbooks?
The President: I can only chalk that up to my humility in wanting to keep a low profile and not promote my good looks, superhuman accomplishments, and overall superior position among ordinary mortals. With this in mind, I have banned my photographs, asked my professors to destroy my transcripts after I “excelled” in their classes, and used pseudonyms on the exquisite documents I created; cleverly signing himself “Barry Hemmingway”.
Interviewer: Continuing, Mr. President, I see that another of your qualifications for the highest office in the United States government is as “community organizer.” How did you fulfill this duty?
The President: Well, first of all, I demonstrated my experience by organizing people first: I did it by age, religion, sex, size and color. Once I had them grouped in this way, it was an easy task to get them to work together for a common cause, or to work against each other when desirable. For example, by using the mainstream media to highlight anything that would negatively impact minority groups, while ignoring the achievements of majority groups, I could create conflict, anger, resentment, and hostility at the neighborhood level. And once you’ve stirred up the neighborhoods, you’ve organized the community.
Interviewer: Very good, Mr. President. Now, there are those who question your patriotism because you don’t wear a flag lapel pin, salute the flag properly, appreciate the “National Anthem,” or address various veteran or military groups.
The President: There is a good reason for my actions here. I am a peaceful person and the activities you mention are associated with conflict. That’s why I received the Nobel Peace Prize! I think the flag of the United States really should be a “patchwork quilt” of the flags of all the countries in the world. I mean, if we are going to be the “police force” of the world, we must show the colors of the world, so I think that the different countries of the world would respect us. Also, our National Anthem is too focused on war. I mean “air burst bombs” and “red glowing rockets”. Why couldn’t he be younger in spirit; relates more to the youth of today, unlike the times of our Founding Fathers? I think our National Anthem should be more Hip-Hop!
Interviewer: I’m glad you mentioned that, Mr. President. There are also those who say that you do not appreciate the Constitution that our Founding Fathers developed.
The President: Oh, I don’t dislike it… I just think it’s outlived its useful purpose. After all, it was written and signed by a couple hundred people over 200 years ago. Like the National Anthem, it is not in tune with the times. It doesn’t address food stamps, health care, environmental pollution, the Internet, global warming, the plight of illegal immigrants, whom I prefer to call “undocumented Democrats,” or even the high calorie and high fat content of food. that feed our children in public schools. Yes, the document needs to be updated and, if I have my way, the various courts will bring the Constitution into the 21st century. In fact, I’m thinking of issuing an Executive Order to do just that, and model our document after that of France, Greece, or Italy.
Interviewer: Thank you, Mr. President, for your time and your opinions. I wish you the best of luck in getting the American public to support your ideas for changing America. Do you think he will succeed and be re-elected?
The President: Insha’Allah!
Interviewer: Excuse me?
The President: I mean, God willing! Thank you for allowing me to express my objectives to implement what is required to change this country. If we can come together as a caliphate, or rather as a country, and take a more social approach to helping our fellow Muslims and Christians alike in the world, this will be a much more tolerable country and one of which my wife could be prouder. .
Interviewer: Thank you, sir!