People with control problems

Many of us experience the need to control others. We want others to see and do things our way. Shostrom (1968) described several types of manipulators:

1. The dictator: wants to control others by orders, that is, by virtue of their authority, position, status or rank. That person thinks they know what is right and what you should do.

2. The weakling: controls or defies authority using their weakness, sometimes in a powerful way, such as “Oh, I forgot,” “I didn’t understand,” “I can’t do it,” or “I’m so nervous.” This is passive aggressiveness.

3. The Calculator: See the world as a contest of ingenuity. You are constantly scheming, deceiving, pressuring, persuading, selling, seducing, or trying to outwit others.

4. The vine that clings: wants to be cared for, dependent, submissive and faithful. As a helpless, grateful and tender child, he gets others to do a lot for him.

5. The bully: uses his anger, harshness, cruelty and threats to intimidate others and get away with it. The “tough guy” and “the bitch” are common characters.

What can you do to avoid being manipulated?

In my counseling practice, I suggest that my clients first acknowledge what is happening and second, stand up for their rights. Think and decide for yourself BEFORE asserting yourself. Build your self-esteem so you don’t depend too much on others. You can easily do this by taking small steps, one step at a time. Pick a little thing that you will stick to your weapons on, and then go for it.

But keep in mind that when you start to change and you need to know that it is about changing yourself and not the other party, the whole dynamic of the relationship changes. There is a power shift in the relationship between the two of you, and don’t be surprised if you meet resistance from the other party. They can use blame, names, ask what’s wrong with you, anything to change the dynamic like before.

The safest and healthiest way to deal with someone who is controlling you is for that person to recognize that there is a problem and seek advice. However, in reality, this rarely occurs. People normally avoid change unless the consequences of their behavior outweigh the fear of change.

What if you are the manipulator?

Controllers or manipulators use five basic methods to persuade or influence others (Kipnis and Schmidt, 1985):

(1) Carefully state the reasons and logic for the change,

(2) remember and assertively urge someone to change,

(3) ask others to support your proposals,

4) stepping over someone’s head to get support from “higher ups”, and

(5) agree to get part of what you want.

Naturally, different manipulators use different methods. I have found that they typically fall into the following categories:

(1) “steam rollers” go broke and aggressively use all methods – they don’t take no for an answer, and may even threaten, yell, and demand. I had a brief relationship with a man who yelled, demanded, intimidated, and kept you up all night until you gave in to his point of view. Of course she would apologize (go into the honeymoon phase and try to woo you) and promise to go to therapy. That never happened. When I noticed the pattern, I just waited until he went to work in the morning and moved out. But even that didn’t kill her attentions. It took calls to the local police department where I lived, and the safety of an assistant police chief friend of mine in my new location to end the harassment.

(2) “Rationals” are based solely on hard facts, logical analysis, careful plans, and compromises. The commitment is always yours and not theirs!

(3) “complainers” actively persuade others by offering “rewards,” praise, and personal charm, and

(4) the “spectators”, who mostly stay out of the controversy. How do you say, this is manipulation? Viewers let someone else do their dirty work for them.

In a second study, Schmidt and Kipnis (1987) found that “steam rollers” had the lowest job evaluations, contrary to what some business schools teach. Male “steam rollers” were more loathed than female “steam rollers”, contrary to the common notion that aggressive women are the most resented. The man I mentioned earlier was a perfect example of this: He passed through several times for a managerial position in the organization he worked with. However, sexism occurs when you ask, “Who got the best job evaluations?” “Rational” men and “complacent” or “spectator” women! Bottom Line: Men’s ideas and women’s quiet kindness are valued, not women’s ideas or men’s pleasant passivity.

Pay attention to the methods you use to influence people in different situations. Consider the possible benefits of using the rational approach. Nasty aggressive tactics can put others off, while gentle tactics can put you off. Practice relating to others as smart, reasonable equals, and in a way that both of you can be winners.

The manipulations described above involve a conscious and open control (request, persuade, buy, threaten) or a conscious control for the controller but hidden from the victim (deception).

Beier and Valens (1975) identify a third type of control: unconscious control.

Neither the controller nor the controller realize the purpose or objective (as in “games”). The authors say that unconscious control is the most common, powerful and effective control. Young children learn many forms of unconscious control: tenderness, weakness, sickness, fear, anger, sadness, kindness, generosity, love, etc. All of these acts and feelings can be used to subtly influence others.

For example, I have a client who came to see me when her children threatened to have no further contact with her. She was a great manipulator. She took on the role of “victim”, seeming weak and powerless to do things for her. But after one of her children took on the task she wanted to do, she would control the process from start to finish. On one occasion, it hurt his pocketbook. He had put his house up for sale (3 months after moving into it after it was built). She built the new house because she could not bear to stay in her current home that she had built with her husband 6 years before his death. She sold it at a great loss, even though her husband did not die at home. The new home was never sold, even though it was a beautiful home in a high growth area. Wonder why? Because he wouldn’t allow real estate agents to show him her house when she wasn’t there. She would accompany potential buyers throughout the tour, not allowing them to open closet doors on their own and gifting them stories of her late husband. I’d even cry before the tour ended. People were so uncomfortable that they couldn’t wait to get out of the house.

How did you sell your home? He did not want to stay in his hometown with his own friends, and insisted on moving cross-country with his adult children, leaving his house empty and at the market. He soon sold his new home at a loss. After moving cross-country with her adult son, who told me they bought a house bigger than necessary to allow her the privacy of her own bedroom and bathroom, she decided her daughter-in-law didn’t like her and needed to be rescued. by a niece who allowed him to move in with her family. Of course, that only lasted for a few months as well. His story goes on and on, the pattern never changed. It had worked quite effectively for him for many years. Only under threat of exile did the woman find a counselor.

Obviously, there is no quick and conscious defense against this control, because we do not know what is happening or how. Is there a defense? Yes, learn to detect subtle control and then turn it off avoiding the benefits. Can be done.

These are the steps, suggested by Beier and Valens, to avoid “unconscious control.”

(1) Be as detached as possible so that you can observe the interaction (with the controlling person) as objectively as possible. Sometimes pretending to be watching from a distance is effective.

(2) Observe the effects, that is, observe the results of your interactions and assume that whatever happens (especially repeatedly) was the unconsciously intended result. If you got angry … or felt guilty … or gave you a loan, assume that was the other person’s unconscious intention. Don’t be fooled by the person’s words or “logic”, don’t try to figure out what made you respond the way you did, just observe what rewards the other person’s actions and / or feelings lead to.

(3) Get away from the relationship: Stop responding in your usual way, controlled by someone else. Be understanding, not angry. Listen, but don’t rescue him. Become passive resistant to the controller and then observe his reaction to his lack of response. For example, my husband has a very manipulative adult daughter who lives on the other side of the country. We don’t hear from here unless you need something or there is a problem. These issues include things like not leaving home for almost 2 years to get a job, but relying on friends, boyfriends, and family for support. I received a recent phone call from her and overheard her chatting about her life. Then the subtle manipulation began. She told me that she really needed to move because they were staying with another family, and she was only $ 400.00 short of moving into a townhouse. Of course, this house was much larger than necessary for an adult and a child, who at that time did not have their own furniture. He told me that he did not want to disappoint his daughter again. I listened patiently with the appropriate responses and closed the conversation wishing him luck in solving it. He had never actually gone out to ask for the money. She was used to the results when she was rescued earlier. This is an excellent example of not responding to manipulation.

(4) The following is the key step: now, instead of giving the old manipulated response or no response, give a surprising new response that does not match what the manipulator expects (and unconsciously wants) but also does not threaten him. .

Example: Suppose a person (child, spouse, boss) receives attention and status by being obnoxious and yelling. You can start responding differently by simply saying, “It’s good to express your feelings.” You don’t argue, you don’t show fear of their prolonged verbal abuse, you don’t compromise, and you don’t listen to their whims.

(5) Give him space: Let the other person find a new and better way to interact with you. You should not try to become a controller of the other person and tell them what to do instead. Be free to experiment with different styles of interaction with this person.

Problems with limits and control? Is control ruining your relationship? Help is available!