When a married man goes out

(First posted @GoodMenProject, Aug 6, 2018)

In today’s zeitgeist, the men seem trapped in a Catch-22. They are doomed no matter which direction they take. Despite that, they will somehow define themselves and shape their personality, mind, career, and life in a dangerously complicated world.

Many men feel trapped in a whirlwind of conflicting messages, demands, theories, stories, censorship, and praise. Imagine what it is like to a married man, in front of his family and the world, who finally reveals what he really is: gay.

We don’t usually hear stories about situations like this. If we do, the news becomes a major event. He is struck under the critical gaze of the public with disdain, disbelief, fear, congratulations, and even amusement.

For the husband who reveals his true sexuality, it can be a new level of hell, one that could lead to the ruin of his family, career, and aspirations. On the other hand, disclosure will bring a new level of balance, freedom and authenticity within yourself.

A man in this position must ask himself if it is worth coming out of the closet.

In this process, the husband is forced to reevaluate who he is, his place in the world, and what his sense of self-worth, self-worth, and identity is based on. He will wonder if he is still a man, if others will treat him as such. He will wonder if he will be judged inferior, flawed, weak, or a failure. Family members, relatives, co-workers, members of his sports team and his church will speculate that he is just scouting, was coerced by some deviant, or is possibly possessed.

The love, acceptance and inclusion of spouse, children and family will be questioned. Can I love a gay man? Can we still be a family? Will you still be my daddy? You still love me? Did you ever love me

Outside of the family, all of the husband’s relationships will come under scrutiny as he wonders whether he will be loved and accepted or tolerated, despised and rejected. For some people, she will be a heroic role model; for others, a monstrous pervert.

By revealing that you are gay, some people will incomprehensibly determine that you are a pedophile and assume that you have sexually abused their male children. To those people, a father who sexually abuses his daughter is considered reprehensible, but a gay father who sexually abuses his son doesn’t have a word hellish enough to describe him and his actions.

The emotional response of spouse, family, and others will at times seem puzzlingly unreasonable, all based on fear, superstition, fictions, outdated understandings, and willful misinformation. Rather, the husband / father may be surrounded by unconditional compassion, love, understanding, acceptance, and fact-based information.

Simply put, it is a true roller coaster ride for a married man coming out of the closet. It will swing like a pendulum through a variety of emotions. One day he will fly high with renewed vigor and hope. The next day, he was going through a quagmire of pain and despair.

When you leave, your hope will be that your family relationships remain intact. His perspective is that he has not changed who he is in his essence, only who he prefers to have intimate relationships with. He often still has love for his wife and children and wants them to remain an integral part of his life.

However, your loved ones will look at you through a new lens.

wondering who he really is.

What they know is that they have been lied to.

They will experience their own variety of feelings: doubt, confusion, disappointment, disbelief, humiliation, rejection, resentment, abandonment, self-recrimination, regret, shame, guilt, pain, loss, fear, contempt and / or outright hatred.

The emotional terrain that the husband and everyone in his life will traverse will be filled with landmines and heartaches, as well as moments of beauty and inspiration. Why would a man choose to go out knowing what awaits him, especially in the current climate of attacks on the LGBTQ community, from attacks and killings to religious and political actions aimed at destroying LGBTQ civil rights and institutionalizing discrimination?

The answer is authenticity, truth, honesty and freedom.

An article on The Good Men Project website titled “What We Talk About When We Talk About Men: The Top 12 Issues Men Face Today”, dated July 18, 2018, provides insight into the complex matrix that men strive for. understand, survive and prosper. in:

1. Unrealistic and stereotyped representations of men in the media and culture

2. Raising children today

3. The availability of men and boys

4. Fight against racism, sexism, homophobia and the man’s box

5. Paternity, Stay-at-Home Dads, and Paternity Leave

6. The LGBT movement and the expansion of gender and sexuality

7. Relationships of all kinds

8. Men, money, and the pressure to be financially successful

9. Sport as a lens of culture and masculinity

10. The prison industrial complex

11. The young and the old, the strong and the weak

12. Helping solve the biggest problems in the world today.

This is the zeitgeist men live in today. Despite the confusion and overwhelming inherent in the above list, men still seek to be accepted, understood, and loved. Deep in their hearts, they seek authenticity, truth, honesty, and freedom. It is an unconscious impulse, an imperative that needs a response and satisfaction.

What every man knows intrinsically deep in his heart

is that the greatest gift you can give the world

it is the most authentic and unrestricted essence of itself–the greatest quest of his life.

How a man can live his true essence is the challenge ahead. Life offers an endless variety of distractions, obstacles, tests, burdens, and stimuli. Meanwhile, he is vigorously encouraged to be responsible, strong, unwavering, mature, and a thousand other qualities. It’s easy to get caught up and lost in all of this, assaulted by the conventions, demands, entertainments, conflicts, and the frenzied pandemonium of humanity.

Gay married men who want to enter the fullness of their authentic selves carry a tremendous burden, one of repressed truth, deception disguised as honesty, and their true identity shrouded in fear, shame, and guilt. Along with all the other sociocultural pressures placed on them, this problem carries the most weight and has the greatest potential for loss. It feels like the proverbial nail in the coffin of a man’s spirit, but that no longer has to be the story.

The key is for a man to unveil and flourish in the true essence of himself, which is only found by going inside his most intimate being, the immensity of his heart and soul. It is a daily conscious contemplation to reveal his true self completely independent of the demands of the external world. It is learning to listen to his inner voice rather than relying solely on his mental abilities, education, life experiences, and worldly influences. It is surrendering to his larger, expansive, hugging, noble and compassionate self.

Men are multi-dimensional, multi-faceted, and multi-hued.

For married men coming out of the closet, it’s their chance to put aside a lifetime of wishful thinking, cheating, cheating, and a double life so they can be themselves and shine.

“Be honest with yourself,

and it must go on, like night to day,

You cannot be false with any man. “

– William Shakespeare