Coping with the death of a loved one, the mystery of trust and the invisible
Loss and change are conditions of existence. They begin at birth with the massive change from leaving the welcoming womb to being thrust into the physical world, and end with the final change: death. In between, there are many small deaths and many large deaths that are stressful and demanding for the survivors, requiring the establishment of new routines, the development of new coping skills, and often new roles.
Unfortunately, we have to learn to deal with our losses through experience because we are a death-denying culture and there are few, if any, schools that teach that life involves many experiences of loss or how we should deal with them when they occur. However, no one is immune from the condition of having something that is dear to them taken away from them.
So what do we learn by experiencing loss? If we are lucky, those who have been through a lot of change and pain tell us that it is okay to express emotions, that crying is good for both the soul and the body, and that time heals all wounds. However, time only heals when you work to heal your inner turmoil minute by minute and hour by hour. It is not an automatic process of just waiting.
Interestingly, no one ever tells us to wait and trust the mystery and the unseen to intervene. And yet, many unexpected things happen that ease the pain of loss. These are some common examples.
● You intuitively feel the presence of your deceased loved one.
● A rainbow occurs on a dark day with a message of hope.
● Receive a phone call from an old friend in your darkest hour.
● You listen to a song whose lyrics generate an idea about how to deal with your loss.
● Out of nowhere, a thought pops into your mind and brings great comfort and understanding that your loved one is in a good place.
● You’re driving alone on the freeway and you ask for a sign that your loved one is okay on the other side, and a car passes you, comes forward, turns into your lane with a vanity license plate that says BELIEVE.
● You keep finding pennies in strange places inside and outside your house.
The list can go on and on.
The Point: Mystery in the form of unexpected help is always out there. Look for (be sure to ask for) positive signs, even when using proven strategies for coping with the death of a loved one. They will appear. I tell every grieving person that there is nothing wrong with praying for a sign that their loved one is okay. And there is nothing wrong with asking for his help. Also, don’t be afraid to join a support group (it’s not a sign of weakness) and/or realize that the death of a loved one means starting a new life.
Regardless of your belief system, unexpected signs always come if you are open to them. As a man in one of my support groups said, “Believe your loved one knows what you’re going through.” And that belief will open you to the inexplicable and the wisdom it holds. The key is positive expectation.
These signs and messages suggest that there is a power greater than selfishness to help, that you are not alone and that you will get through this difficult time. Refuse to cling to and have faith in beliefs that interfere with healing and acceptance of inevitable change (as if this shouldn’t have happened to me or I couldn’t ever be happy again). Pain is always a teacher, a signal to take a new path in life and sometimes to shed old beliefs that were instilled in us by well-meaning adults in our younger years.
There is an uncharted, often ignored order in the universe that arises to stimulate acceptance of loss and the changes it imposes. Allow mystery and the occult to become another resource for coping with your loss. Wait for your share of ideas. Death never has the last word.