I suspect that going backwards during our separation will help our marriage, but I don’t know how.
It is common for me to hear people wonder if “backing off” a bit during the separation of marriage is a good idea. Many suspect that it might help their situation a little, but fear that if they back down, this will allow their spouse to wander even further away from them. I heard a wife say, “I have been separated from my husband for four months. It has been four months of hell. I miss him so much. I hate looking at the table and seeing his empty seat. I hate not knowing where he is or what he feels like. Always. I feel like calling or texting him. I talk to him several times a day. And I always want to ask him how he’s feeling or if he’s considering coming home. Sometimes he gets very frustrated with me and cuts off contact with me for a few days He says I need to give him more space, but I feel very anxious when I think about doing this. I worry that if I’m not constantly watching him, he will start to move away from me. Is it a good idea to back off when you are apart? And, if so “How do you start to do it? Imagine not being in touch with him every day. How do you regress when your heart is still so invested?” I will try to address these things in the next article.
From my own experience, I can tell you that backtracking can sometimes help a lot. And yes, it can be very uncomfortable at first. You may feel like you are losing control. But here is something to keep in mind. You are consciously choosing to relinquish control so that you can regain more control in the future.
Why backtracking during a separation can be helpful: Often times, the idea behind a separation is to give the marriage (and the people within the marriage) some time to reflect on the situation without the constant presence of the other. The idea is that this gives them a perspective that they might not have had if they were constantly together. As risky as this may sound, the result may be that both people appreciate and miss each other, and as a result come back to the table with a new commitment to figure things out.
However, sometimes this process is interrupted when a person is not willing to give up the space that is needed. This is understandable because not being with someone who has been a constant in your life feels strange and scary. It is absolutely normal to want to hold on more tightly when you perceive that something is being taken away from you. But what you need to understand is that when you hold on so tightly that your spouse becomes resistant, you are actually increasing the odds of what you fear the most, and that is your husband pulling away further from you.
The logistics of going backwards. How do you do it when it’s the last thing you want to do ?: I must say that most spouses understand the reasoning behind backing down. And many have had such poor results speaking too loudly that they know it’s probably a good idea to try another approach. That said, many are terrified and extremely uncomfortable with the thought of backing down, even a little bit.
They just can’t imagine how to start putting this plan into action. They dread the idea of spending a day not hearing from their spouse. I fully understand this because I have been there. Sometimes you really just have to take this day to day. You have to be very aware of your actions when you go to text or call for the fifth time in the morning. If you need to stop and go for a walk or journal or even exercise, that’s perfectly fine.
Often times, you will have to distract yourself, especially in the beginning. It really helps to keep you very busy. If you have good friends who can make sure you get out of the house and connect with others (rather than withdrawing within yourself), share your goals with them. I know it might be hard to believe right now. But often, it is very beneficial for you to take time to work on yourself. Spending time with yourself simply listening to your own thoughts and desires will help you approach your marriage salvation in a more genuine and authentic way because it will make both of you more likely to recognize and ask for what you want. It honestly helps when you approach your spouse as an equal partner.
Be careful not to take this too far: Some wives actually start to see some improvement with the “back off” approach and think they should push a little harder. So they will take it so far that they will pretend that they might want to see other people. Or, if your husband starts communicating with them, they won’t answer your calls. I think there is a point where you can take this too far for this strategy to do you more harm than good. When your husband starts to get closer to you, then you’ll want to walk the fine line between being responsive but not moving too fast too soon.
To answer the question posed, I believe that when done correctly, stepping back in a calculated and balanced way during a separation can be helpful because it gives your spouse time to miss you and gives you the opportunity to work on yourselves and on Determine What. that you can bring to the relationship when you get back together. I know from experience that it is not always easy, but it can certainly be worth it.