The passion and love that your relationship deserves

In the 19th century, the immortal Mona Lisa was stolen from her home in a Paris museum. She did not recover for several months. Incredibly more people came to see the empty nail than had come to see the actual painting! There is something in human nature that tends to focus on the negative. We see it in culture, in churches, in politics, in the media, and sadly, in relationships. Focusing on what is not how we want it to be is very often a toxic endeavor. The reality is that we all have to fight confirmation bias; which is simply the process by which we find evidence to support our beliefs by using selective perception that emphasizes the bad and ignores the good.

It is estimated that only about 25% of couples rate their marriages as truly satisfying, this is the 50% that do not end in divorce. I want to take a few moments and share some research that shows what detracts from the health of relationships and what increases joy and passion in the healthiest of marriages. In the process, we’ll consider some of the negative things couples focus on and how to have much better focus.

Rob Bell has a great video called ‘Flame’ that is worth watching. He goes into a fascinating discussion of three of the many words found in scripture that are translated “love.” In short, the three terms describe friendship, committed relationships, and sex. If any of these are missing in a marriage problem, it is not far behind.

For example, if the couples are friends but there is no commitment or sex, they are really just roommates. If there is commitment, but not friendship or sex, they simply endure to endure. (You see these couples everywhere in restaurants staring at their food and not noticing the person sitting next to them.) And lastly, if there is sex but no commitment or relationship, then you simply have two bodies engaged in an empty, physical relationship. act. However, where these three expressions of love thrive, marriages also thrive.

It is important to understand each other so that these three types of love can thrive from a deep appreciation of the differences and similarities between men and women. Don’t you experience your spouse as a friend or lover? Maybe you are breaking some of the following rules and don’t understand what makes men and women so different.

Consider the seemingly simple act of speaking for a moment. Biological studies show that women use approximately 40% more brain sockets than men, which means they are mentally better able to focus on multiple tasks. One of the most common things wives complain about is that their husbands don’t listen to them. I’m not trying to let inattentive husbands off the hook by any means, but the reality is that there’s a very good chance that her husband will biologically not listen to her if she’s talking while he’s deeply engaged in something else. Make sure you have their attention before passing on important information. For men, it is important to pay full attention to your wife instead of going into a trance in front of the TV, car engine or anything else. In the end, a few simple changes will save both of you a lot of frustration.

Second, women often complain that he “doesn’t talk to me.” Again, this is not a free pass for insensitive men, but the reality is that men use around 20,000 words per day, while women use 40,000. On the other side of this argument, men sometimes complain that their wives always want to talk and don’t have enough quiet time. When both parties can understand that there is a built-in physiological difference, they can make adjustments out of compassion and understanding rather than discomfort.

Speaking of communication, there are patterns of behavior that we understand after decades of relational research. One of my professors, Norman Wright, points out some of the most annoying statements that men and women make to each other. Please take a moment and consider whether you and your spouse use these statements. If you do, then acknowledge how toxic you really are, and instead find different ways to communicate your feelings.

Annoying statements men make to women:

1. You don’t know what you’re talking about.

2. I will do it later.

3. You don’t understand.

4. That doesn’t make any sense.

5. Where did you get that idea?

6. Don’t be so emotional.

7. It cost too much, didn’t you check?

8. You are like your mother.

Annoying statements women make to men:

1. I’ll be ready in a minute.

2. Ask for directions.

3. Do you want me to repeat myself?

4. If you had heard it the first time.

5. Turn off the television when he talks to you.

6. You have a one track mind.

7. Don’t you care?

8. The kids learned that from you.

9. You weren’t like this before we got married.

Again, the important thing is not to point out your partner’s faults in these areas, but rather to examine together where both parties can do things differently in the marriage. This is not the time for pride or superiority, but for compassionately considering where you have been and how you got to where you are, for better or worse. In fact, some people are so self-centered that they believe, “If it were better, they’d be twins.” But in marriage we need to lay down our weapons and see how things can become more satisfying and loving.

So take a few minutes and examine the above affirmations and how often you share these same thoughts, either verbally or silently with yourself. Also consider the biological differences between men and women and how you can bridge this gap in a way that is beneficial to you and your spouse.

Lastly, here are three great questions to ask each other that will help uncover deeper feelings between the two of you. In addition to reviewing the list above, ask your spouse the following questions when the time is right and you both agree that the time is right for this conversation.

Question one is simply, ‘what am I doing that I need to stop doing?’ Both husband and wife must receive the answer with an open mind, and the one giving the answer must deliver her message with grace and love.

Second, ask ‘what am I not doing that you want me to start doing?’ Find creative ways to meet the needs conveyed in this simple yet insightful dialogue.

And finally, ask ‘what am I doing that you want me to keep doing?’ This is where it is important to focus on all the good that is happening in your relationship. Again, many focus on the negative, but we need to closely manage our toxic thoughts.

A powerful exercise for those who are going through a very difficult time in their marriage is to take the next 72 hours and have each partner write down all the good things they notice their spouses are doing. Each person keeps this list private until the time period expires and then they share their lists with each other. This exercise will train your mind to see the big picture. And by writing everything I mean everything. If your spouse brushes his teeth, gets to work on time, takes out the trash, pays a compliment, smells good—anything he can find, no matter how seemingly insignificant, should go on the list.

It is much easier to notice the negative aspects; unfortunately we have learned this as a coping mechanism after years of watching everyone around us do the same. But doing what everyone else is doing is perhaps one of the biggest mistakes people make.

Do you want to have a prosperous relationship? Then consider your friendship with your spouse, your level of commitment, and your sex life. Take the principles given here and apply them to your relationship, even if you are the only one involved at first. I can guarantee that you will see results and experience a much healthier marriage.